Sometimes a single light
isn't enough to keep the darkness away

BTW
I am heading down to Disneyland for my birthday next week.
Leaving thrusday night and coming back up sunday
I am completely serious for anyone who want so come just contact me,

then you can experience what it's like to hang with me
kickin it old school yall'
(hee hee, or maybe asian invasion style)

2am ... again (maybe this should just become a pattern)

nothing much to say tonight,
it seems like things are getting a bit better for me, you know, like that one message that makes everything ok?
Or maybe other things just seem to get worse, so my problems seem smaller

or maybe its just the wind...
(ask later if you want to know about me and wind)

but here's to you... so quotes I picked up along the past few days...

"Love is never free, Jean-Claude. It is the most expensive emotion we have,..."
"Love isn't the most expensive emotion Asher... Hate is. Becuase hate will eat you up inside and destroy you, long before it kills you"
- Burnt Offerings by Laurell K. Hamilton

"Who the fuck do you think you are?
I don't need no goddamn help
from some bleeding heart ____
My life's not for you to make a name for yourself with"
"Just trying to use me to kill his guilt"
--- Rent


We are the middle children of history, raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact. So don't fuck with us.
---- from a friend's away message

Its past 2am again

October 10, exactly one week till my birthday
It's weird, like I'm looking forward to it, and I'm not at the same time.
Like it will be fun, but... here let me break it down

I decided this year I was going to head home for the weekend, and go to Disneyland on my birthday.
so I got my brothers to take off work, as well as my cousin. and everyone who wants to go and buy a ticket is welcome to join the party, but its APO regionals, so we shall see where it take us.

but when I told me mom I was coming home, she was happy, but a few days later I got this message
"so when you are down here are you going to have time to spend with us?"
"becuase your father wants to know if he should come home (FYI, he's away on business) becuase if you aren't going to be with us, then he will just stay there."

It felt so... so... I don't know
I mean I'm no stranger to no having my father with me on my birthday, he may have been there for the day I was born, but he was always on work trips and stuff while I was growing up. I'm not upset or bitter about it, it was just how life was back then.

but now, when I was talking to my mom, she made it sound so forced. This is the first birthday in 4 years I am going to be at home, and her tone of voice just was like I was the biggest burden of the month. Like me coming home was an incovienence to their plans.

whatever

I just need to go somewhere

7 days to go

So it's almost 2am, and I can't really sleep.
Well, if I lay down, I probably could, but I don't really want to.

I'm feeling weird

kinda like I'm losing grip on everything
I don't want to answer my phone anymore
I don't want to really talk to anyone anymore
I just go through my day just doing what I am supposed to do

would you believe me if I told you I was dying?

I have no basis for that comment, I just feel it. I used to think I would fight
death tooth and nail when it came, but now I'm just, here.
simply existing for the sake of existing.

people have begun to tell the that I get "all quiet and weird"
yeah, multiple people, on several different occasions.
I just don't know how to response.
its like it just takes too much energy to do anything

maybe I have actually slipped that line between reality and insanity

i no longer feel happy.
nothing is making me smile
if I do, it is short-lived
and if you really look at me, you can see it is fake.
I don't mean it to be, I just can't do it.

all i feel is pain, anger, and regret
though I don't even know if these are my emotions that i am feeling

i just want to go away, but I don't know where
when I go to sleep, I don't want to wake up
but I have sat and stared at the cold stones in the lawn for too long
and I don't want to be their either.
Everything in my life has fallen apart in my hands

maybe I'm starting to tear myself apart as well


"I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me."-
Chris Rapier

A Rose by any other name...

Ever notice the nicknames you have with your friends?
I mean, in the 21+ years of my life, I have acquired so many nicknames from so
many different people it's hard to keep track.
But there are certain names that begin to stick to you. I mean like family
nicknames or stuff amongst your closest friends.

have you ever felt almost sorrowful when your friend
suddenly calls you by your real name?
I mean its nothing bad right, they are just saying your real name.
But suddenly I feel its almost as if I didn't mean that much to them anymore.
I never thought about this before, until I was in high school and my bf rick
called me Sam instead of the tradition 'Akane' (from Ranma 1/2).
It didn't bother me at first
other than the fact that I did not recognize my own name coming from his
voice, but he freaked out like he did something horrible.
was it horrible? no, but it became a running joke.

But I was thinking about it alot lately. I am "mantha" to my family.
"boo" or "monkey" or whatever christina decides to call me that day,
but mainly sam to everyone else. But to hear your name called,
even though it is your real name, by someone who normally doesn't call you that..

I guess, it's just unnerving.