And then they do something to make you feel like dirt.
and the cycle starts all over again

As like most people, I rant and rave, but can't deny my family. Without them I wouldn't be where I am today and who I am today. And sometimes you just need to roll with the punches. sometimes its good to look to the future and just hope.

On a lighter note: My new goddaughter/niece Janessa Gabrielle Sam Munoz 

I don't even really know where the past two posts came from...
maybe I just need to head to bed.

Damn It!

I have to pull another quote, but, when it fits so nicely

I am angry all the time, and I don't know why

(sandra bullock- Crash)


(actually I like Don Cheadle's whole speech too)

"Its the sense of touch
In any real city you walk, ya know
you brush past people,
people bump into you.
In LA nobody touches you.
We're always behind this metal and glass.

It's the sense of touch
I think we miss that touch so much
that we crash into each other
just so we can feel something."

(Crash)

My Family Back in the Day (mid-late 80s) 

My big family (most of them) Dec 2004 

My immediate Family - Dec 2004 

My family

"the fact is we all want to believe everything is fine with the ones we love. If we go looking for problems, we tend to find them. There is also only so much we can do for one another. In the end it is they who have to be strong and we can but stand by and pray they make the right decisions."
(picked up from my reading somewhere along they way. Don't remember where)

"Just because you have the same blood flowing through your veins doesn't make you family"

--- Lex Luthor, Smallville ("Lucy")


odd... usually a post from me, especially of this topic takes some strong emotion to set it off. But while I sit here, content in my discontent, I just felt the need to write. Posts have been festering in my being a quite some time now, and I just never took the time or energy to write it down. Even in my personal journal, nothing has been added in months.
But my brain keeps going. Constantly running, the cats or hamsters that run around never sleep, never rest, because there is always more work to be done. But this post was supposed to be about me family right. So here we go.
To express the trails and tribulations on being a member of the Sam Family clan (I don't really discuss the Warriner Family, because we are so separated and do what most Americans do- send Christmas cards once a year, and chat every times a big event goes on, but other than that, we live in relative different spheres of inflluence)
But contiuing on, to talk about my family would take hours and novels worth of information. And even now, I don't know where to begin, becuase mostly I don't know where I'm going with this.

maybe its because I don't know where I'm going at all
or that I've been going around in circles for so long that I've convinced myself I'm going straight.
this is just my own wandering thoughts
this wasn't brought on by a specific incident, no night or action in particular. (Yes, this statement is in reference to you- doing your morning routine of checking blogs. I don't know if I should laugh at the vanity that you think everything is about you. Be offended at the thought that you think my feelings don't dive deeper than the surface events of my life. Or be angry and a little sad at the fact that you would believe that what I say in my blog is meant for you. My blog is meant for me. and hopefully to give insight to those who care enough about me to take the time to read it)And, if you really need to talk about it, time it right. 'cause I won't feel this way later, and won't be in the mood to talk about it. Just learn to tell my signs. And if you don't know any by now, I don't know how to help. Wow, that was mean, but its time I just came out and said certain things.

holding back got me back here in the first place
working too many jobs, with no path before me
debating giving up my dreams for the sake of my family's
debating if anything is worth it.
and crying over the losses in my life of things that have been given up, taken away, or shoved aside, and that fact that I still can't get over it.

I used to believe that my time was limited,
and that I was dying
I don't believe that anymore
in face, I wish for it

I am at a crossroads in my life, but not just of two streets. More like 20. I don't know what i want to do, other than sleep.

but again this was supposed to be about family right? I keep getting off track. The first quote is about the people in my life. I told my cousin the other night, its like they go looking for the problems, find them, and then cover it all back up, and believe that everything is alright again.
I've been covered up far too long
But my throat has been cut, that even if I tried to shout for help, nothing would happen.

My life doesn't exist for me.
My life is to work because I am told I need to work
I run my parents household because it is what I was meant to do. What I have been told to do. The only thing I have done in my entire life, has been leading up to the indentured servitude of them.
I shop for them, go to the bank, read papers, go to church, run errands, all for them. Not becuase I don't know how to say no, simply becuae it is not worth fighting for anything.

My love is the stage, because it is a lie.
I work for places that can create entire worlds and magic and make everything seem real, but in the end, the fairies aren't anything but fireworks.

I live for my family,
because it is the only thing I know how to do.
(but when, who knows)

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I'm Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed 'cause you came around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause I channeled all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is...

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassion's in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shoulda' never come around
Why don't you just go home?
'Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand

Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
And my weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

--- Scars by Papa Roach

I only really like the punk rock band name... I think I'll use it.

Samantha Milagrosa Warriner's Aliases

Your movie star name: Chocolate Chip Cookie William

Your fashion designer name is Samantha Paris

Your socialite name is Panda Los Angeles

Your fly girl / guy name is S War

Your detective name is Cat St. Josephs

Your barfly name is Ice Cream Midori Sour

Your soap opera name is Milagrosa Lucas

Your rock star name is Resse's Pb Cup Car

Your star wars name is Samcub Warkyl

Your punk rock band name is The Content Ball

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Nabbed the quiz below from Rosina. But yeah. Quick update: I did in fact find my watch and earring, though I'm waiting until I fix the clasp on my watch to wear it again. I'm not going to promise that I will update soon, but I'll try.

work is work
don't go to Disneyland over spring break if you can avoid it, its super-duper crowded. but still fun.

Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male

Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?