focusing on the positive... by adding pics of happy times 

Perhaps thinking is bad...

I've been doing alot of it lately, and it hasn't been getting me anywhere. I tend to dwell on the things I cannot change. And look at others with a bit of envy with what they can do with their life.
I don't understand how it works. I do good things, or at least I try to, I try ot put the needs of others before myself. I weight each side of different situations and try to make the best decision possible. Yet why am I still stuck here? I see others who make stupid decisions and only focus on themselves go so much furhter than myself. Am I bitter? yeah, a little bit. Not at the particular people, but more like at fate.
Now I've heard it all. "You need to make your own steps" and "Don't think about what others have done" but allow me to wallow in my misery for a while please. This is the only place I am allowed to do so. This is the only place I feel like I am allowed to feel anything. You know when Kelly Clarkson songs speak about your life, its a little sad. "I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life/ my heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with"
Maybe my heart was never whole, but it certainly does a good job of breaking the pieces that are there. I've come to find comfort in the lies. Solace in the image that I have created and play out. The surface area friend, whose life you think is great simply because she never tells you anything about it.
I've tried, and was betrayed too many times. Perhaps I expect too much of people. But I only expect of people what I expect of myself. Maybe thats too tall an order.
Hell maybe I expect too much of me. I'm tired of all this. Tired of trying to swim upstream through a waterfall. I'm tired of fighting a war alone.

and I know why I am alone
because how can I expect anyone to love me
when I hate myself?

Hey, for somebody who's always been let down
Who's heading out of town?

For someone who longs for a community of his own,
Who's with his camera, alone?

(just finishing up my RENT moments)

ROGER
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work"
They say "Mark lives for his work"
And "Mark's in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

MARK
But from what?

ROGER
From facing your failure, facing your loneliness
Facing the fact you live a lie
Yes, you live a lie tell you why
You're always preaching not to be numb
When that's how you thrive
You pretend to create and observe
When you really detach from feeling alive

MARK
Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

ROGER
Poor baby

----- RENT

(sometimes I feel like Mark, and that Roger is right)

Doing the Cheater move and pulling something from someone else. (In this case, from Will, who took it from Karm. But Boo who also did it)

I think I've been thinking too much... so here's the result


TEN FIRSTS
1. First Best Friend: Star and Jewel (yes, these are their real names, two girls from Kindergarten)
2. First Cat: Guido, Black american short hair
3. First Dog: Cube, Shelty/Pom
4. First Piercing: Ears, 1st time around 1984
5. First Big Move: LA to Davis, 2000
6. First Crush: 1st or 2nd grade, Joey
7. First Car: 1998 Plymouth Grand Voyager SE, still driving it
8. First Love: Ice cream
9. First Kiss: Bobby Lopez
10. First Screen Name: The Confused Witch (ICQ)

NINE LASTS
1. Last Alchoholic Drink: Reisling (white wine, about a month ago)
2. Last Vehicle Ride: drove my car about 30mins ago
3. Last CD Played: Burned mix pop CD from 2003 (while I showered)
4. Last Bubble Bath: hmm... maybe a year?
5. Last Time You Cried: December 23, 2005
6. Last Hug: umm... yesterday? real good hug, about a week ago
7. Last time you really got upset: December 23, 2005... mini upsets, all the time
8. Last time i watched TV: My Wife and Kids is on behind me right now
9. Last thing you ate: Chicken Quesadilla (made at home with leftovers)

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS
1. Have you ever dated your best friend: no
2. Have you ever been arrested: no
3. Have you ever skinny dipped: no (what! I'm boring)
4. Have you ever been on TV: Yes
5. Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it: No
6. Have you ever had a dream about someone you knew: totally
7. Have you ever felt like your parents favor one sibling over another?: Yes
8. Have you ever felt like you were high but knew you werent?: Yes, being really really tired

SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING
1. Payless shoes
2. Walmart Jeans
3. Disneyland Shirt
4. Windbreaker
5. VS undies
6. Movado Watch
7. Class rings

SIX THINGS YOU'VE DONE TODAY
1. Woke up
2. Ate
3. Washed dishes
4. bank run
5. shopped (only bought a little(
6. took down christmas decorations

FIVE THINGS YOU LOVE TO DO
1. Sleep
2. eat ice cream
3. Goof off
4. download Jpop stuff
5. have good conversation

FOUR PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL [ALMOST] ANYTHING TO
1. Ate Mila
2. Cube
3. my mom
4. I've lost trust and respect in others, so i also just keep everything to myself

THREE CHOICES
1. eat or drink? drink
2. skittles or starburst? starburst
3. pink or green? depends on the shade

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. Live for myself
2. travel the world

ONE THING YOU REGRET
1. my choices are my own, and despite the outcome, perhaps they were meant to be. There were the best I could do with the knowledge I have at the time