before I begin, I juat want to say one thing. Currently I am not happy, nor sad. I am not depressed, nor joyous. I am simply me. dealing with the effects of allergies, but I don't know where this blog may take me.
This past saturday I spent pretty much the whole day in the theater. Working on a show, written, rehearsed and performed in the span of 37 hours, I really got to be in my "zone". Sure the piece that I did made no sense and I ended up bruised, with lipstick all over my face and cheeks, but it was still my home.
so here we go, back track a bit here. Not many people know me. and I mean *know* me. Its nothing against anyone, I just tend to show one aspect of myself, and keep the rest to me. I feed off others, and don't want others to have to deal with the stuff that I have to deal with internally.
but this blog entry is about growing.
Since I am now in my 4th year of college, set to be 21 in less than 2 weeks, I've been thinking alot. Who am I now? If I had listened to my mother all these years, I would probably be in some engineering lab somewhere working on code to the early hours of the morning. Probably keep to myself since I would need to study so much, and not go out very much. So thankfully, I didn't listen to my mother. Yet, she unknowingly set me on my current course. She wanted me to be invovled in high school, so I joined choir and eventually the drama department. I still thought that I was going to be a computer engineer in college, but in the theater, I fell in love.
Just being there, making people happy, bringing even the tiniest bits of joy, sorrow, a whole range of emotion to the audience, I loved it. But I was told all my life, study science! make money! support your family! get good jobs! and actors are a dime a dozen. what to do. I applied to college under computer engineering... and this is when my first step came in.
Step one) the letter of appeal.
Ever wonder why i didn't come to Davis until Winter quarter of 2000? For those of you who didn't know. I didn't get in. Plain and simple. My fault, attempting to get into an impacted major, but thats it. I wasn't accepted. So I wrote a letter of appeal to the school requesting them to look at my application again. With one very significant change. In this letter, I told them to change my major from Computer Science and Engineering to Undeclared Fine Arts.
Step two) waiting for Davis
I actually sent in my Intent to Register to UC Riverside. I was set to go, following in the footsteps of my brother Ray, but something didn't feel right. I held the housing forms in my hand, and just couldn't fill them out. I didn't want to go. I couldn't tell if it was pre-college jitters or what. Soon, I got a letter in the mail saying that I got into Davis, and could attend in the Winter, so then nezt steps were laid down. I went to a JC for a semester, then to Davis for two quarters.
when I came to Davis, I already told people that I was a theater and english major, even if it wasn't official.
As cheesy as it sound, declaring my major was a huge step for me. I didn't declare until the beginning of spring quarter of my 3rd year. Yep, took two years for me to officially declare my Thearter major. But you see, to have it on paper and in the record books changes things. Before, there was always the chance (no matter how slim) that I could fall back to science. Maybe do biology or chemistry. But I did it. Took me a while, but I did it.
It was a growing process you see. I needed to break away from that I was told to do, to what I wanted to do. Its scary, I still don't know what I am going to do after I graduate, but I love the theater. And if you don;t understand that, then you don't understand me. The fact that I was asked, to trip, fall, smack myself in the head, and smear lipstick all over my face didn't faze me a bit. The fact that we have no real sense of personal space with each other, because we are always up close and personal. I love that place. I love the people. I am so happy that I took the steps to get to be who I am today. Joking, loving, throwing salami at people- me.
I feel that there is always a certain point in your life when you need to begin to take a stand. I did, in turning in that form. On saturday a was able to look back and see where that path has taken me.
My advice to you:
take this if you want, you don't have to. You can call me a sentimental fool if you think its appropriate. (if you do, don't worry- I agree with you)
1)Find the joy in yourself---- this may be really hard at times, and may not always work, but try.
2) Don't depend on other's for your own happiness. --- this is hard too. God knows I feel incredibly lonely at times. But as my mom would say "just count your blessings". Find happiness in you. If you ask someone else to do it for you, you are asking too much of someone. I couldn't depend on my family to hand me happiness on a plate, I found in it a theater.
3) Remember what you did as a child, and apply it to your life today. --- I don't mean walk around like you are a five-year old. But think back the the things that made you happy. Remember.
4) Do act like a kid, just in small increments.--- The other day I had a "fight" with my roommate in the kitchen. He had bedroom slippers and I had a loaf of bread. Yeah. That was fun. I also have been known to dance around to the music that they play over the speakers in the supermarket. Who cares if anyone is watching... I'm having fun, and I'm not hurting anyone.
5) Love your friends- One of my best friends I hardly ever talk to. Yet, there is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for him. Its in the small things. The Donald snowglobe that I got for christmas from him that plays "You are my sunshine" and maybe me teary every time. Christina, who is so far away now, but was so excited about my birthday surprise that she had to tell me anyway. My cousin Mila, who no matter how far away we are, or how long it has been since we last say each other, can understand me in a look, a gesture, and most of all my slang. My family, the people whom I have the honor of calling my friends, from Alfred who laughs at me chasing ducks, to Ate Rozelle who calls me to say she saw a star at work. I love you all.
I can't mention everyone, it would be way tooooooo long.
But never limit yourself to how many people you can call friends. I still talk to people from high school and elementary school. We don't have much in common anymore, but we still can catch up. My aphio peeps who call me for advice, or just to hang out. My theater friends who I can lay down in their laps and fall asleep in the green room. Or else, get grabbed from behind and "claimed" by different people.
6) Never forget the compliments. (yeah stole it from "Everybody's free", but its a good one).
The best compliments you can get are ones you just pick up and you walk by. The first time I did a show (the first one-act express), as I walked off the stage after the final bow I heard my friend Sarah say "Sam is so fucking awesome" and later I heard Shannon say "Sam has great stage presence". Sarah, probably my best theater friend has known me since beginning of sophomore year. We have taken most of the same classes, and is now forcing me to audition for Studio Season. She got mad last year when I didn't audition for shows due to my Presidency in A Phi O. On Saturday, my friend Lara was super excited when I told her I would be auditioning for Studio, and said something along the lines of "yeah, if Sam auditions, she's totally cast"
On saturday, when I walked off the stage and into the waiting area I go a fat kiss on the cheek from Sarah (thus getting lipstick all over her) and she said "You're so great!" while Amy just said "Oh my God". I got alot of "that was the funniest thing I've ever seen" and "I can't believe you did that". So what if it took a good 10 minutes to wash off the lipstick, it was so worth it. As for people who may not have liked it, or didn't get it. Who cares? it was all in good fun.
7) Don't expect anything in return. --- when you do good deeds for people, don't expect recognition or praise. Just do it if you feel like doing it. If I have the money to spend, and I know someone wants something, then I will get it. If I have the time, I will make cookies or brownies for people. Just be careful. The vicious return is that alot of the times you get stepped on by others, and they begin to expect you will do things. Don't be a speed bump.
8) Love yourself. this is all that matters, Love yourself and others will love you.
I'm out folks, its late, and I'm sleepy. much much much Love to you all. *mwah*
I mean it.
