Another Difficult Night...


I've never hidden my insomnia, and I like to believe I do the best I can with it. Being that I've had so few good nights sleeps since I was 12. So nights I'm alright, but some, like this one, are pretty bad.

I don't know what causes it, I can just never shut off my body to power down for the night. Sucks that I have to be at work in a few hours too. But certain things are floating around my brain lately, so maybe getting them out will help.

Right now, I'm waiting for the last .2% of a file to finish downloading, and I don't get why it is taking so long. But it also makes me realize how different my life is now than it was even just 5 years ago. In 2002 I was living in the house in Davis, working hard in classes, APO, and life. I knew where I was going, I had a goal. To finish college. Too bad I never really paid attention to what I was going to do past that.

I decided I was going to take a year off after I finished school to travel, and think about where my life was going to take me. That didn't pan out. I traveled for a few months, then worked in a school. After deciding teaching wasn't for me, I decided I was going to move back up to Davis to figure out future prospects there. Needless to say, my plans got derailed.

The end of 2004 and all of 2005 brought my life to a screeching halt. And I didn't know how to get back on track. I simply existed, doing what I was supposed to do. The job that I kept loved, and still loves, me. I just say I do my job well. But in the end, its not very fulfilling. I'm back at home, which shares its joys and pains. But the longer I am here, the more distant I seem to become to everyone around me.

I'm forcing myself to move forward now. I'm still scared, but I'm not letting that get in the way. my motto seems to be "the worst they can say is no, right?". If I never try, I can never move on. And if I don't make it, I'll just get up and try again until I do. Its time to take control.

Part of this was brought on by, strangely enough, my cell phone bill. In which, for the first time in years, (discounting Fanime this year) I went over my minutes. And for the first time ever, I went over my text messages. By ALOT. 31 minutes over and 120 messages over. And when looking at the bill, the minutes and messages went mostly to 4 people, all whom live at least an hour away. the overages charges are nothing compared to what those 4 mean to me. Each in their own way. So to you... my sounding board, my boat of joy, my swarley, and my ninja pirate who does magic... I dedicate my overages to you!

I didn't really get everything out, but the day has clearly broken outside my windows, so I will attempt to sleep once more.

but I will leave with this, a quote from one of my favorite TV shows.

"I just decided to stop being sad and be awesome instead"