Tomorrow sees undone
what happens not today
indecision brings delay
days lost lamenting lost days

Tell me when does it stop hurting?

Why after all this time does the very thought of that disappointment, that betrayal, that disrespect still rub me raw. Like salt into an old wound that refuses to heal. I tried to let go, and yet one little thing pulls me back in again.

I loved you once, but now you're different. Why, even though I know that, does it feel so bad when the good is not remembered.

My head knows its over...
I just wish my heart would...

A sore throat, a headache, and a little dizzy.
lets hope I'm not getting sick because that would really suck.

so phoenix tonight, I'll just sleep and hope it goes away...

You can never go home again

Its a standard problem in the running of the society of today and the human psyche, and something that I have at least found some sort of closure with, finally. Here I am, almost 2 in the morning, back in Davis once more for my annual pilgrimage for Fanime Con. I've been here almost a week now, and feel like I have accomplished very little. Well, very little in physical output that is.

So far I've read alot of emails and have gotten into the fanime mindset, and ordered the Chair gifts once more. Later today I will bring out the sewing machine and begin working on cosplay once more.

With a smaller TV, black metal shelving cubes, a china hutch, and bookshelves in my current location, it looks very little like the room I once called my own. True, now I must call this room "our room" being that many of the objects now here belong to by brother. But in talking to him, I told him how being in the house now reminds me of how I felt when I first moved up here, but a little worse. When I was a sophomore and first moved into this house I was scared of my roommates. I was the only girl in a house with 4 guys, none of whom I actually knew very well with the exception of my brother. My days mostly consisted of hiding in my room, usually eating chili lime chicken wings and rice that I got from Costco. I would venture down the hall to my brother's room which usually held him and someone else I knew (always APO related), and I would find safe harbor there.

As time went on, I did get to know my other roommates and I developed relationships with people I never would have considered before. My roomies were never anything but nice, I was just scared of meeting new people. Of course, at the end of the that year, those roommates moved out and new ones moved it. This created an entire new era in the house for me. Other than Ed who lived in the middle room and generally kept to himself 95% of the time, the house was feeling much like family. Lily and Wing both moved in, and I didn't feel scared to come out of my room. Life was much different for me. Now in my 3rd year of college, APO took up alot of my time and I loved it, I felt and was needed, and home was a nice place to be. I can't say that my eating habits got any better-- moving from chili lime wings to other tv dinners-- but home was where my heart was.

My fourth year of school truly created home , Lily and Wing moved out, and Keith and Charlene moved in. I was the only student in the house, and the others were working for a living. But it began the family style living. Charlene began cooking for the house, and more people seem to come over semi-permanently (Christina and Rosina). Soon, life was stressful - with my forthcoming graduation and my fallout with APO - but home was wonderful. We would take turn cooking for each other, and the food experiments never ended. Chocolate Covered Flaming Hot Cheeto is apparently bad, but not as bad as it seems (according to Keith, I didn't try it). Antonio moved in about halfway through the school year and became a welcome addition to the house. Home life was amazing, Keith and I used to chase eat other with light sabers down the hall, and movie nights in front of the big screen.

My final quarter at Davis called for new change. Keith and Char moved out, and Jen moved in, as well as Kevin, who took the middle room. The house was still full of life, just not the family atmosphere it once was. But this only lasted a few months for me, as I completed my studies and I moved home with the intent to travel around for a few months then to return to Davis once more to seek gainful employment.

You know that they say, the best laid plans... I ended up staying at home for reasons I don't feel like sharing, but in the end I was there. My trips back to Davis became twice a year, once for Christmas (at the time for Anna's potluck), and an extended stay for Fanime Con.

Then being torn came into play. When life didn't work out like I had expected it to, I debated returning up here to start over again. Well time continued to pass and I was still at home, but the idea of escaping back to Davis always stayed in my mind. In fact, just a few weeks ago I was searching the UCD job listings once more.

But returning here is nothing like the nostalgia I have created from my memories. The house is once again the shell of the family life it once was. Again, the occupants aren't bad people, they just don't have the connection there once was. Walking down the hall at night feels more like sneaking to use the bathroom rather than feeling free in my own home. The fridge is filled with random take out boxes (which I admit some are mine) instead of the communal food I had with Keith and Char. Even though I have my own lil bro here, she also has work, school, and boyfriend, so even she admits to barely being home. I am hiding behind my computer once more waiting for Antonio to come home from work so that I can figure out dinner.

I'm not saying that I can't perhaps make a life for myself once more, but it would feel very much like starting over again. Because it is very much not the same as it once was. Even hearing what eventually became of my beloved APO simply reminded me that it is part of my past, and I actually am very happy I walked away when I did. Well, its time for me to go, with a sense of closure for something that I believe needed it. I didn't expect this post to be so long, but it was needed for me.

Time to play some Phoenix Wright, then sleep for hopefully a fruitful cosplay day tomorrow.

and it was never more true, as I listen to the sounds of WOW through the wall, you can never go home again.