I realize its been a while since I actually posted anything to my blog.
I mean Like a Post-post
not a cryptic poem or the results to a quiz, but a real, post
so here we go
feels like the brakes have suddenly been thrown on my life.
The play, which was uber fabulous, and so much fun, is done now. Not more practices or meetings, so the thing that took up the past 3 months of my life is now gone.
For the first time in 3 years I am not holding office in A Phi O, not that I didn't try mind you, but in the race for Pledge Parent, Clarissa and I sadly fell short. I'm taking it a bit harder than I thought I would though. Its almost as if I lost a real child, suddenly having no control over my present situation. It really is a time for me to let go of A Phi O. I just don't feel connected to it anymore. At least not a a whole, to certain people I would still like to be around for, especially my little bros and certain other ones, but nothing really anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I standing the in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one so much as looks up.
School has been, well, the same as school has always been.
I don't know, I guess its weird coming home and doing nothing. Its my own fault. I mean, ever since I was little I have always been scared of being left behind. I mean, it happened to me all the time when I was young. I couldn't go out with my cousins to movies because I was "too little" or I couldn't hang out or play sports with my brothers because I was a girl. My only constant female companion was my cousin Rozelle, but she was always on a desparate search to "be older" and hang out with my older female cousins. I spent most of my time with my cousin Alfred, but in the end, I was still the only girl in the group. Plus being so physically small, I was constantly left behind in malls or amusement parks, and then lecutured for "not keeping up with the group".
So I as got older, I did everything to make myself needed by other people. Make myself so vital to somethings existance that there was now way I could be left behind. I became a rock, a foundation for people to stand on, to be the one constant in their lives. but you know what they say, even pillars fall.
I'm lost.
I don't know where I'm going, and I'm really not sure where I have been. I feel like I've spent my whole life behind a mask, that I don' know whats under it. I never got truly close to anyone, at least not on my side. I always did what my name means. Samantha- Hebrew for listener.
I know so much about so many people, and nothing about myself. I sit here now, typing away, and yet I know in the morning, I'm gonna play the same role over and over again, because I don't know how to be anything else.
so here are some things I do know
* I wish I could be a successful actress when I grow up (like real successful- Oscar worthy)
* I have a facination with Moons and stars. (you see, I have always found the moon to be much warmer than the sun, and for stars. they may look small, and sometimes hard to see, but they are huge when you get close, and each with a universe of possibilty)
* I miss my Grandma Hilton, and my Lola Felisa
* My favorite flowers are roses and gardenias
* I can sit for hours on end reading cheesy stories about anime, but can't concentate on homework
* I love my family very much
* I don't know why I cry at night
* I like to believe there is a greater destiny out there for me
* I watch the Disney channel all the time, becuase it gives me those WAFF (warm and fuzzy feelings)
* I doubt anyone is reading this long post
* I don't think I'm pretty, not at all
* I've battled with insomnia since I was 13
* I'm tired
* I've never been in a serious relationship, hell never a real relationship
* I think I'm still waiting for my knight in shining armor, which I know will never come
I think I've successfully depressed everyone enough know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Just never mind me, never mind this, it will all be the same tomorrow anyway. maybe this would have been easier with cryptic poem.
