Its 3am again
It's 3am and I am technically back to work. Meaning that the time off I requested for fanime officially ended a little over 3 hours ago. Did I accomplish what I set out to by taking the extra time off? No. But i got some rest in, and got myself thinking again.
Its 3am, I'm not blogging because I can't sleep. Not because I'm super stressed, frustrated or depressed. I'm simply writing because I've been thinking. And realizing I haven't really written anything that I look back on fondly or meaningfully in a long time.
A friend returned home today. From traipsing around the world for the past 9 months. He took off with very little warning last September with a one way ticket to Scotland, and traveled around Europe and Asia since then. No set plan, no set dates, simply a want to go and thankfully the funds to do so. But something struck me when we all tried to go out to dinner.
"Nothing has really changed here has it? I was hoping for some huge changes in people's lives"
I totally agreed with him. If anything I felt the same thing when new years hit and I debated getting the Woot shirt that said "2007: well, that sucked" because for me, nothing changed. I was in the same job, same house, same everything. Life just seemed to stand still for that entire year. I was sick of it.
and then 2008 happened
and by the beginning of June, life punched me in the face.
within the span of a few weeks I was on an emotional roller coaster to rival X2. It went from giving up some of my past, trying to find a path to the future, a bittersweet goodbye, witnessing a friend getting screwed over and feeling powerless to stop it, an awkward occasion, realization of my own worth to some people, watching someone whom I loved completely shut me out and break my heart, finally truly laughing, and maybe finally beginning to realize what I want.
Some of my thoughts led me to this. I miss college. Not that I actually miss the finals or projects or anything. I actually miss learning. I miss being exposed to new things constantly. When I look back of old posts from 3-4 years ago I not only see times with friends that I held dear, and still treasure to this day, but quotes from books I read in class, or poems. Or even my own poems about the trash can that got stolen from our house. I miss meeting and getting to know new people and discovering things about life through them.
I miss writing. As an English major I was constantly reading and writing different genres and analytical papers on different novels and essays. Or even trying to understand the strange and difficult philosophy papers we had to read. when blogging was an alternate outlet to write, and not my only outlet to write. I went from having a blog, a personal journal, a poem notebook, two novels in the making, research papers, and lots of little things in between to... a blog I barely update.
As much as I have learned since leaving school. I miss the girl I was back then. The one who was a less afraid of life. Even though the future was uncertain, the girl who took the present by the horns and mastered it. I miss her. I want to be the old me once more... just with a little more understanding of the world
And I'm not making an empty wish. I'm working on getting her back, with a few upgrades.
its 3:33am
halfway through the witching hour.
with me, signing off
