If its not one thing, its another
to anyone it may concern,
I had a conversation with my mother the other night
Mom "Oh, so your stress level is better" (this is referring to the time I broke down sobbing to her on the phone about two weeks ago)
Me: "No, still the same"
Mom:"But you sound better"
Me: "Maybe, its just I have so much to do, I don't have time for feeling anything"
and thats what it comes down to. I have no time for anything. As soon as spring dance was finished, TNT practices started up. Plus, having an intensive class schedule this quarter hasn't helped. In addition the the unfortunate events of the last few weeks, I'm surprised I haven't succumbed to another breakdown. Now some of you may be thinking, "I would be there for her, how come she didn't call me" and know that I do wish i could call you, I just completely lacked in time. Plus its my innate nautre not to dump my problems on someone else. When I do talk on the phone, I try to be there as much as I can, but I can help but look around my room, and see the never ending list of things that still need to get done.
so my friends, I am sorry that I haven't been there for you, somehow I dug myself into a hole tha I can't get out of.
I have seen things that I put my heart and soul into both succeed and and fail miserably.
I like life from hour to hour, scared to look any farther
my day planner and my phone has become my life line, with my lists of things to do
I stopped eating after a while- just not time for it
Its at the point that when I do eat, I get sick to my stomach, as if its not used to having food in it
I am at the point of exhaustion, but can do nothing about it
My parents call to find out what I am going to do post-graduation--- forcing me to go to law school, which made me realize that they never supported me in the Theater dreams at all. Simply thought it was some phase I needed to get through.
my cousin called me about a "cousin retreat" and when I told her that I wouldn't be able to make it that weekend she was planning for, she kept on going describing it, essentially asking for me to pay $200 for a hotel room that I would only be in for a few hours, since I needed to work.
I have so many TNT rehearsals I can't think straight, but I don't want to let anyone down
--- but what pisses me off more than anything is that I plan rehearsals, and no one shows. Then when we have a bad performance, they blame me.
My typical saying now is "No one listens, I scream at the top of my lungs and no one looks up"
I have become the person I never wanted to become. I am bitter and tired of seeing everything that is happening.
I am tired of hypocrites.
I am tired of everyone. Sometimes I walk out of coffee house simply because I don't want to be around anyone.
damn it
I'm just tired
so if you don't hear from me. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I just have too much to do, too little time, and not enough caffine in the world to help me. Maybe I should start drinking coffee.
