"I don't want to be like Cinderella,
sittin' in a dark cold dusty cellar,
waiting for somebody, to come and set me free....
I'd rather rescue myself"
-i5 - Cinderella


How to begin... Lets start at the very beginning, a very good place to start... The song above is one of my favorite songs, first discovered by me when a friend told me she had joined a Pop vocal group, and this was on their first (and only) CD. Now the reason for it, and the ultimate paradox of my life.

I'm a Disney kid (not freak) through and through. I grew up on Sleeping Beauty, Little Mermaid, and Aladdin. Singing to sing-a-long videos, and sleeping on beauty and the beast or 101 dalmation bedsheets. A friend once told me he was a bit worried, because perhaps my love of fairy tales ruined me for any reality. Like constantly waiting for a prince to come kills any real chances for a real relationship.

But there is where the paradox lies. I'm not waiting to be rescued. I certainly am waiting for someone to come and share my life with me, but I'm not waiting for someone to "set me free". Its difficult to try to explain this by writing, and not allowing a free-form flow of thought, but I'll do my best.

A person whom I know, wouldn't call him a friend as a yet, more of a colleague. A co-worker, now me, being the naive child I am at times, gave him my phone number believeing at the time (several months ago), that he was just looking for new friends at his new workplace. But there was always something... unsettling about him with me. I never felt completely comfortable around him. Almost like he was trying to make me feel bad for my situation in life. That I was still living at home and working part-time jobs. Also, that I never really went out, didn't party or got to concerts or clubs.

Today I talked with him again, and although I don't mind chatting with him at work, I really don't feel inclinded to make any more of an effort to get to know him. I know, that sounds mean. But in the end I have to be honest with myself, and not try to please everyone around me. I really examined the conversation, and other than the "what do you mean you did do anything this summer?" I really don't feel like I was being listened to, or really acknowledged. Like he was listening to the conversation just to hear the pause so that he could talk again.

I didn't feel like I was being given any respect. And for those who know me, respect is a HUGE thing in my life. Not that I was being disrespected, but just not being given was I was due. Maybe even to the point where a person assumes too much. That they believe I would be ok with certain practices, when they don't know me at all.

In the end, I like me. I like who I am, bad hair, dry skin, glasses, a little pudgy, intelligent, funny, crazy, cool, boring, childish, everything. Every part of me, because I am who I am. If I weren't me, I would want to be my friend. I don't regret decisions I made in my life. I made the best choice I could with the information I had at the time. Right now, I needed to take the time to collect myself and refocus. Alot has happened in my almost-25 years of life. I've loved, lost, had my dreams shattered by reality, and still hung on. I don't need to be rescued, I need to do it myself. If a change is going to happen, its needs to be made by me, and no one else. I don't, I CANNOT have someone come in an change my life for me. Because ultimately, if that happened I would grow to hate it, because I never changed, just my surroundings.

As for my love affair with Disney. I just love the idea that there is somewhere to go where to good guys always win, and there is always a happy ending. Its not a place to replace reality, but a place to escape from it. Its something that makes me happy, and simply because of that, its important.

I guess I should end my rambling now. Its getting late I and I should head to bed. Thanks for coming along for my emotional roller coaster, and I hope you enjoyed the ride. And maybe, just maybe, ya learned something in the process.

Just as a final note: Although not the most ideal situation there is, I am happy where I am. I am where I feel I need to be. And just like nothing in life is perfect, neither is my situation, but its what I require. So I don't need rescuing, but I would appreciate the company of a true friend.

thanks, and g'nite.

For the (at least) 10th night in a row, I find myself unable to sleep.

The culprit for the past few night, a nasty cold I seem to have caught. About thursday morning I woke up and my throat felt as if I had been choking all night long. But I don't remember anything of that sort keeping me awake. I've been downing orange juice and chewable vitamin C like crazy for the past few days, but nothing is making this any better. Hopefully, since I'm off tomorrow, I can just get some rest and get over it.

Onto something else, though short. I was awoken this morning (actually afternoon) to go to a hair appointment with my mother. I had been wanting a body wave to my hair, since as most of you know its just flat and straight. I went with my mom, and 3 hours later I walked out with "ma hair did". No you will not see pics, becuase AHHHHH! if I ever suggest anything that remotle resembles a perm, remind me of this day please.
Its managable, but until it goes back to normal, its definately staying in a bun. Hopefully it comes back to normal soon, I need to take pics with my cousins. The real problem is that I fried my hair. The perming solution was left in too long, and I had just recently dyed my hair (multiple times) within the past month. And now my hair just kaputed on me. So I'll also be spending most of Labor Day deep conditioning my hair, trying to get back to my asian straightness.
Yes, in case you missed, I did dye my hair. Just to a medium browm, nothing too drastic. But right now I feel like Hermione from the first HP movies. (or any book, except for the Yule Ball scene).

And onto, at least the teaser of a real blog entry. The party is coming up. And I'm starting to worry about it. Its not really the age crisis stuff of like "look how old I am and how little I have accomplished", its really more like "Did I really make the right choices?"
Actually, this centers around a major life choice that I made. The decision to move home. The circumstances were odd, considering I was sent on moving back to Davis and just starting my adult life off there, when a phone call from destiny came in. Unfortuately destiny had some pretty bad news, but it solified my position as a so cal baby. But now what, 2 years later and still really nothing.

So I was thinking, and perhaps that was keeping me up at night. But now I will attempy to sleep again.

and Fate, God, or whatever you believe in is funny.

I got an anwser to my question in the form of Hawaiian Beard.