An Open letter to those I love and those who love me

Hello everyone,

Sitting here in this room, I've been thinking. In fact I've been thinking alot lately. Perhaps that is a dangerous thing. In working with the kids at school, and it really getting to spend time with some friends down in So Cal, I really have had time to think about everyone in my life. And I can come up with this to say.
I have been blessed to know you. I am so lucky to have you in my life. In telling stories of you and the things we did together, I realize how lucky I have been in my life. In talking to a friend recently he commented "you know a lot of interesting people". Yeah, I guess I do. And I thank each and everyone of you for it.
To many I have not been around recently and for that I apologize. Life, though my current situation has not surprised me, it has not taken me to where I would have wanted it to. I am trying to get my life sorted out, but know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart always

thank you for everything

Just felt like blowing up stuff

"Time to celebrate America's independance by blowing up a chunk of it" (from The Simpsons- i think)

July 4th weekend has been a weekend of very mixed emotions for me. For the past 9 years, every July 4th has been spent at Anime Expo in its various locations, the first 3 years as an attendee and the last 6 as staff. Although this last year the staff-status became questionable.
For the past 4 years, I have received some type of news in some way that tends to ruin my weekend. Usually it is around the end of the convention, and relates to family, or family friends. Its ranges all over the place, from divorce to death. So yeah, never that great a weekend for me.
I was especially feeling off about this whole weekend, becuase it is AX. Not to sound ungrateful, AX has been good to me over the years. It is where I have met many of my close friends, I got into costuming because of it, I really got to get to know some interesting people from there. But the longer I am there, the less and less enjoyment I get from the actual convention itself. I tried not to be on staff this year, which was a little successful, by me being able to run away to Disneyland everyday. But I was still caught up in many of the mini-dramas that would happen during the day.
This year was also hard becuase of my many emotional roller coasters going on in my life (Boys are stupid, throw rocks at them!). But also feeling, abandoned, bored or just plain lonely. Really just not feeling understood by the ones who claim to be there for me.
Then other things were called into question, like professional work ethic, my loyalties, and sometimes just feeling like I was treated like garbage. I try to look out for people, but in the end I feel like a little green monster trying to spoil everyone's fun. Bigger things arose, like accusations being so serious that I really didn't know where to turn, and that couldn't be solved till many hours later and I just had to hold it in.
Some things weren't so bad. I got to know so new friends, and got to see some old ones. I felt appreciated by some of the attendees who missed me on staff. I realized the importance of some really good friends, and being able to find comfort in the fact that they are just there, even if you aren't talking to them- just to feel their presence is important. Got to see some really good costumes, which just imspired me to make cool new ones. ( I just need to find the series to make it from). Didn't spend too much money. Got inspired to do some other things, like get in shape, and try to join a marital arts /or stage fighting class. Got to meet some people who might want to try to pull off my 45-min $10,000 masquerade skit. And, for the first time in 9 years, I finally got to see a fireworks show.
So, in the end, I still trying to recover from the weekend. My emotional roller coaster is caught in the loop, becuase every time I seem to come out of it, it just starts back up again. But, I guess I'll just focus on work for a while