Another sleepless night

maybe if i tired to sleep, it would work, but I've been thinking too much

while in my house today I decided to look for my lost blonde wig. A blonde wig you ask? why this is the same wig that was seen in Miss A Phi O two years ago, and had not been seen ever since. Maybe it got made because it lost and now refuses to be be found. But it looking for the wig, I found a lot of stuff. Papers, both mine and my brothers. Computer games, old birthday cards, high school notebooks, notes that I passed in class, party favors, hair things, etc.. And I realized that my entire life before Davis was all packed up into little boxes and now sit in my room.
every thing brought back memories
from the shirt that Lily gave me at Big Bro Lil Bro revealing
to the Carpenter Class Banquet program
the first secs-comm activation grams
to newspaper clippings from 8th grade
to birthday cards from my 17th birthday
movie books and photos, etc
my whole life in boxes

now I am wondering why I posted this. When I was looking through the boxes (the blonde wig never to be found again), I was feeling all poetical... (I think I just made up that word) but now, not so much

oh well
g'nite

continuing on with my "lifes loops" theme
I'm home in Cerritos now. I can't sleep. I don't know what to do. All I can do this whole week is sit around the house. Does it feel like home? honestly? not really. I mean, my room is filled with so much stuff that I can't even sleep on the bed, and you know the saying "you can't ever go home again" it's true. Its been three years since I left home. Things change alot. I mean one room has been remodeled, and it just has a totally new feel to it. Like that room is a seperate entity to the whole house.

but since I can't sleep, and everyone else is already asleep. I can do alot of thinking (note the previous post). But now, I need to say that I am scared. Do you want to know something? I don't ever get truly close to someone, why? Because I'm scared of leaving them. I was informed today that my grandmother (on my dad's side) has breast cancer. That one sentence, somethine my mom told me over the phone threw me for a loop. Suddenly, my chances of getting cancer doubled (at least). Now, breast cancer is coming from both sides of my family. My aunts on my mom's side had it, and now my grandma.

i look at my life and I have to realize. with all scaryness... at the age of 20, i realize. My family is dying, and with my previous medical history, my chances are high among them. I know that some of you probably think that I am just being paranoid, but if you knew my family you would know more. I have never met any of my grandfathers, both of them being dead long before I was born. I witnessed the passing of my great-grandmother, my maternal grandmother, my great aunt, two uncles, one aunt, and countless family friends and distant relatives. Now this isn't a morbid pissing contest against anyone, but its the reality I'm facing. In my family, there is heast disease, stroke, lung cancer, breast cancer, anemia, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, etc.
When I was 15, I developed a bump on my elbow. It went unchecked for two years after several doctors told me it was nothing. At 17 I went for a biopsy, and discovered for two years I had been harboring a benign skin tumor, that had a very high chance to becoming malignant. It was removed within a month, and the scar remains.
yet, the symptoms that tipped me off to checking it out remain. The constant fatigue, the dizzyness, getting tired with minimal exertion.
whats happening to me?
the doctors don't know whats wrong with me, so I stopped asking.
but I feel like I'm dying inside.

"Why, is the girl with the strongest heart in a body thats falling apart? Everyday more on my creator..."

Hey Rosina, you told me once that I had angels watching over me, I hope that they are still up there

LIFE and the loops it throws you
Hey All- get ready for another "what the hell is Sam thinking? blog"

so many things can changes so quickly, and you never quite know what to do about it.
sometimes they are good
sometimes bad
and the bad stuff you deal with in different ways
I notice that I go silent.

For the last couple of days I haven't said much. I walk around my house like a zombie, staring at walls with a blank and yet sad expression.
Is it the accident?
maybe a little, I thini the accident simply shook me to the core. I know that it wasn't my fault, and that I did all that I could to avoid it, but it still bothers me. I still wake up in the morning, or coming out of a daydream that it was all in my imagination. Hell I would rather relive this whole week and take all my finals and papers again if I could just avoid what happened. But reality sets back it. It did happen. and there is nothing that I can do to change the past
but my sense of security has been breeched
the worse things about the accident are
1) the guilt
I feel bad that I made Kuya Willie and James miss the end of the movie, I feel so horrible that I hurt the car. I know that it wasn't in the best condition, but ... it was still running and it was the Will's car, something that he owned and I messed it up. I'm so sorry Kuya Willie, I just don't kow how to make it up to you.
the second thing about this is
2) the pain
I like to keep many personal things out of my more "business" atmosphere. I am not one to announce every single detail of my personal life to every person I meet. But due to circumstances beyand my control, it did get out. I just need to hide the pain. I wan't seriously hurt or anything at the time. The following morning I work up with some of the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I often found it difficult to keep myself from crying at the service project. All I could say though,whenever someone asked me if I was okay was "yeah, just a little sore". this leads up to the third point
3) the neglect
I know that I shouldn't be looking for sympathy, but it hurts when you don't get it. You can see it in people's eyes when they ask "how are you feeling?" and its simply trivial. Like if you actually went into how you were feeling, their eyes would glaze over and they wouldn't hear a word you say. Perhaps this hurts more than any physical pain. I have been in approximately three major incidents in my life which required major support. All three times, when encountering my loved ones, the reponses that I got had to deal with either insurance, or concern for someone else. It's selfish to ask for everyone's lives to revolve around me, but a pause or two every now in then would be nice.

maybe I'm being too overdramatic, maybe my arguments are totally founded, maybe I just need to get over it.
maybe. just maybe. I'll get through this.

lets see, what to blog about... first and foremost I need to say

I miss reblogger

but here's a new system...

this is me, procrastinating my work for finals...
BAD BAD Sam!

but here I am anyways....

While walking back to my car from class today I started thinking about people that I know. There is this one girl that I have known for a year now, and I recall that when we first met, she always told me stories about her friends from high school - whom of couse I had no idea who they were- but she told the stories anyway. So, walking back I realized that her stories changed, now involving the people I knew too, people she met in college.

then I realized I did that too. The stories I come home with no longer involve Elisa, or Rick, or Jason, etc... now they have Christina, Sarah, Lily, Tony, Minh, Mischa, etc... (plus the content of the stories has also changed drastically) There is still the occasional high school story, but definitely not as much.

is this the price of growing up?

you gain more friends and tons more stories, but do you lose what you once had.
Lost in the recesses of the library of our minds, never forgotten, but placed on the back burner for an indeterminable amount of time...

what happens when that library gets too full?
where do these memories go?
or they lost?
when do they come back?
how can we find them again?
and what drives us to search?

Too cute huh?