LIFE and the loops it throws you
Hey All- get ready for another "what the hell is Sam thinking? blog"

so many things can changes so quickly, and you never quite know what to do about it.
sometimes they are good
sometimes bad
and the bad stuff you deal with in different ways
I notice that I go silent.

For the last couple of days I haven't said much. I walk around my house like a zombie, staring at walls with a blank and yet sad expression.
Is it the accident?
maybe a little, I thini the accident simply shook me to the core. I know that it wasn't my fault, and that I did all that I could to avoid it, but it still bothers me. I still wake up in the morning, or coming out of a daydream that it was all in my imagination. Hell I would rather relive this whole week and take all my finals and papers again if I could just avoid what happened. But reality sets back it. It did happen. and there is nothing that I can do to change the past
but my sense of security has been breeched
the worse things about the accident are
1) the guilt
I feel bad that I made Kuya Willie and James miss the end of the movie, I feel so horrible that I hurt the car. I know that it wasn't in the best condition, but ... it was still running and it was the Will's car, something that he owned and I messed it up. I'm so sorry Kuya Willie, I just don't kow how to make it up to you.
the second thing about this is
2) the pain
I like to keep many personal things out of my more "business" atmosphere. I am not one to announce every single detail of my personal life to every person I meet. But due to circumstances beyand my control, it did get out. I just need to hide the pain. I wan't seriously hurt or anything at the time. The following morning I work up with some of the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I often found it difficult to keep myself from crying at the service project. All I could say though,whenever someone asked me if I was okay was "yeah, just a little sore". this leads up to the third point
3) the neglect
I know that I shouldn't be looking for sympathy, but it hurts when you don't get it. You can see it in people's eyes when they ask "how are you feeling?" and its simply trivial. Like if you actually went into how you were feeling, their eyes would glaze over and they wouldn't hear a word you say. Perhaps this hurts more than any physical pain. I have been in approximately three major incidents in my life which required major support. All three times, when encountering my loved ones, the reponses that I got had to deal with either insurance, or concern for someone else. It's selfish to ask for everyone's lives to revolve around me, but a pause or two every now in then would be nice.

maybe I'm being too overdramatic, maybe my arguments are totally founded, maybe I just need to get over it.
maybe. just maybe. I'll get through this.