February Already...
time for A Phi O to start picking up
time for school to be hitting full swing
time for the weather to start warming up (thank goodness)
but with all this change. Many things have become apparent to me. I'm 20 years old and growing up rapidly. Yeah sure, sometimes I still run around my house lip-syncing to Britney Spears, but often times I feel like I'm heading for a mid-life crisis soon. This is how 20 can be so young and so old at the same time.
To act like I am 5 or to act like I am 50... which is better?
But no matter what I try to do, life still pulls me away, kicking and screaming the whole time...
and my plate of duties is full...
between
A Phi O- which I am sorry to have to say to the many of you who are in A Phi O and are reading this- holds very little to me right now. I love the people, I love the ideals, but when the two do not coincide, then there is strife. To wake up and dread something that I once loved is a horrible feeling. All I can do now is hope, and I hope with all my being. But right now I'm falling. Falling very quickly into a deep dark hole, and if there is nothing there to catch me or nothing to hold on to, then I don't know a way to come back.
fanime con- is fast approaching. I turn and turn to get more and more registrations, and I realize that i have become an anime snob. I get so bogged down in all the paperwork and all the duties that I have to do that I have lost touch with what it is like to just be a fan. Conventions hold no more joy other than a place to work. I do enjoy working at them, because I make wonderful friends. But its just all the work. Just to sit and watch anime takes too much effort. Like I could be doing so much more rather than just sitting and watching. Plus the fun that I have at conventions with the guests just seems more exciting than watching the show.
heading up the
Baby Angel Memorial Foundation- more on this later. But, yeah....
theater dept- my one true love. there is no way to get away, and I don't want to. Lately, with classes and shows, I have gained so much from the department. I feel loved there, like people actually want me to be there to have fun with them, not just to do stuff for them. Where else can I get comments like "Sam, you look so hot! if I weren't so fucking queer, I would do you right now" or offers of getting fed grapes and wine with massages for my "entourage", Jeff made the comment- very late in the party (or early in the morning i guess) telling Sarah that I was beautiful, and when I blushed, smiled, and disagreed with him, he comments "See, with that smile, ... you can just lose yourself". Its just everything. I used to go to the cast parties, only stay for an hour, and then leave again, not really being able to talk to anyone. Or even if I didn't show up, no one would notice. But last night, I was told by two people that "if you don't show up, we are going over to your place... picking you up, and then kicking your ass for not wanting to come" These are the people who love me for me. Giving me air kisses everyday, even if they have only known me for a week. I wanted to leave the party at 1:30am, which became 2, which became waiting until Lara left, around 2:30, which became waiting for Sarah- 2:45, which eventually became a group of 7 of us, talking, me and Misch switching off massaging and falling asleep on each other, and just reflecting on the night. I didn't leave the house till about 3:15 or so, when everyone was falling asleep. It was one of the greatest parties I've been to. Small space, but just everyone talking, some dancing in the corner, but just a sense of friendship. Everyone was dressed up (a cocktail party theme) and life was just about hanging out with people who you worked really hard with.
growing up- Marie called me the other day to tell me that she is directing a play in SF (WAY TO GO MARIE!) and it stuck me that we haven't talked to each other in a long time, and that I really did miss talking to her. Then to hear that she got this fabulous opportunity was awesome. And so I realized that we are getting older. This is no longer a world where I ask my mom for gas money every week, and the rotating schedule was something I had to worry about everyday. Now, I worry about midterms, and graduation, and when classes are being offered and when, how to get out of Friday classes, and what to do after college. Marie and I talked about the peace rallies (almost everyday in Davis) and the funky Trance re-mix of John Lennon's Imagine. And I can't believe that this is something that is truly affecting us. I mean, The Persian Gulf war was something on TV that got in the way of my cartoons, nothing really real. Now this is all TOO real.
love life- perhaps lack of love life is more like it. Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and without my freshman roommate is sight, I am lacking in someone to spend it with. Am I lonely? sometimes, yeah. Perhaps that is why I need the strange relationships I keep. The drama dept., esp. Mischa with his comments like "you are a sexy bitch", makes me feel desirable. All through high school I have always been the one left behind. Even was asked to prom, while I had to ask someone else. I got to listen to everyone's problems about their boyfriends/girlfriends while I was left in the cold. I've been burned, and its difficult to jump back in. Plus I choose to remain oblivous to the attentions of others... passing it off as them just thankful that I am nice to them... but I'm not stupid. I do see it, I just choose not to recognize it. becuase when it comes down to it. I'm scared. I have no experience in this area, and its not something that I can read about it books. It boggles my mind that someone would want to spend that much time with me and only me. I just don't find myself worthy of it.
So my relationships are sometimes a little shocking to others. I mean, if comments like that went flying through A Phi O, I would get a bunch of gasps of "Samantha" and people not knowing how to react. With the theater dept, it just flows. But, I need to include Minh and Gordon in this one too (just thinking about friday night's party) and even though I know that it is just all an act, they have the ability to make me feel attractive. I know that nothing will come of it, and that when it comes down to it, the ones who make the most comments are the ones who are most protective of me, but it just feels good. It gives me a brief moment to feel beautiful before reality sets back in.
family- you can never get away from family. And now my family doesn't want to get away from me. My mom constantly calls to find out when I am coming home for the weekend, for vacation, forever. My brother calls to tell me everything, and my cousin gets caught up in work. I love my family so much, and I wish I could be with them all the time, but I also know that I need to be away from them for a while.
Perhaps that is what I need: to be away from everything for a while. To be with the people who I am least familiar with.
I am drained.
I am dying.
slowly the life is sucked out of me day by day until
I am no more.
