"It’s the way human beings are. We’re not perfect. We need support. We need people to share a little bit of our burden when it gets too heavy for us. That’s not a weakness; it’s a NEED. "

I was just thinking about weakness when I stumbled upon this quote. Fate huh? Emotions running through me for a little bit of time now has caused me to recollect various events in my life. And it brought back a particularly emotional night from January. In which I posted about being alone and yet not being able to express the weakness. Adding in the events after the car troubles in San Francisco, I came upon this.

I wasn't scared of being weak. I simply didn't trust the people around me enough to show weakness in front of them.

Sad to say, is I still kinda don't. Some people know exactly which buttons to hit on my emotional motherboard to send me into an emo-spiral. Saying certain things that calls into question my very nature, my core values and way of life. Simply by making me believe that I wasn't good enough. That I didn't do enough, that it was always my fault that something went wrong, or even that it wasn't as good as everyone wanted it to be. Or that I wasn't a team player, when the team was being stupid. They never understood me. They still don't understand. Never realizing the person before them was simply a shell of the person I really am. That I could really shine with the people who I felt respected me. People who cared for me without knowing the background of my life, and how I came to be the person I am today. And the people who did know, and are proud to know me and proud of the ways I found to keep going when the world wanted nothing more than to bring me down.

But it is the people who I always thought I could trust. The people I believed I could turn to. it was them that were killing me.

I want to say that I cried over them. Cried for the pain and hurt that has been done against my person. But now I see that I wept for the loss of the part of me that trusted you. I weep for the anger that now lives where love was once stored. I now only see the poison the seeps into my soul in dealing with you.

Now I must go.

Nothing will ever be like it was before. Its impossible, and I won't even let you try. I need to carve out a new life for myself, one without your parasitic emotional baggage attached. I've found people who truly love me for me, and who support me in ways I never knew they did. Who protect me, even when I was convinced that I should be the one doing the protecting.

I'm not asking you to change. I'm just removing myself from being the doormat under your feet. I'll even be there if you need me, but not to dump your misery upon me, but hopefully to help you up in case you fall. It would be against my nature to ignore you or to hurt you, or to even intentionally allow something else to hurt you.

I am simply walking away while I still can. While I still remember that I am a person too, not simply a receptical for you to dump your issues onto me and walk away with a lightened load. That I am a person and need acknowledgement and respect as well. I can support you when your load gets too heavy, but I can no longer bear it in your stead.

this is what I have to do
to keep my sanity
and, almost as if its proof,
right now
my eyes are still dry

My True Strength

After taking all that time to describe the saga of my van, now for the true reason why I wanted to post again. This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. From loneliness in my old home, to sheer joy of hanging out with friends. Pride in a convention well run, to anger at the selfishness of others.

But the lesson I truly learned this weekend is the value of true friendship.

I've always said it was the people in my life that made me who I truly am, and the ones I love the most. But for so long I've always seen myself as the rock, the pillar, the one that everyone counts on. I found it extremely difficult to show weakness in front of anyone, not even myself.

But in the past few weeks, I really got to see the people who understand me and really want to be there for me. I received some upsetting news during Fanime, and actually teared up on the convention floor. I tried to hide it, knowing that was not the time, nor the place to get upset, but a few tears slipped out anyway. The table around me fell silent, and of course, that made it all the worse to stop crying. And when friend came over to hug me and say it was ok, I had to hold my tongue from telling her to let go of me, because she was actually making it worse. The intention was good, but again, not the time or place. Once I calmed down, I was able to drown myself once more in the con, and everyone was good about not bringing it up.

Later I found out that one of the people there, whom I consider a friend, but not really a close one. More because I met him after I already moved down to LA, and he lives in Davis, rather than not being compatible. But I found out he was really frustrated by not being able to help me out at that moment. He was simply looking as it as "Ah! Sam's upset, I want to do something" but he understood that he shouldn't and couldn't do it. And I'm glad that he didn't, and am also very moved that he did feel that way.

With the problems with the car, I really finally allowed myself to be the one who needed to be saved. Nothing was my choice, but so many people around me were doing so much to help. Antonio came down to get up, Will and Ashley took care of me and Bethany while we were in SF. Henry offered to drive down with me when I got the van back, and Ed agreed to fly up and drive back down with me saying "whatever you need me to do, I'll do". The little things too, like James came over and hung out with me today since I'm super bored, and Bethany actually gave me the spare keys to her car in case I wanted to go somewhere and she was out with other people.

This is a time when I get to experience the other side of my friendships. Instead of me gaining joy from other people depending on me, I now find what its like to truly depend on other people. And though I still feel like a bit of a burden, because I am one, its not this horrible thing that I thought it was. I know that the people I'm depending on aren't mad at me, perhaps frustrated at the situation, but its not all me. And that they really just want to help me and make sure I'm ok.

so again, as I head to bed, I just want to say I love you all. And thanks truly for everything.

A Surprising Turn of Events...

It is now June 10, and I am now almost a full week overdue of my intended return back to Cerritos. Fanime this year went well, as I expected, my major stressors coming from sources actually not related to the running of the convention. Also, most problems stemmed from people having personality conflicts rather than major logistical or financial disasters. The fans seemed to enjoy it, but I am definitely looking forward to the time that I am not longer in the turn thick of things. Barring life changes I plan to co-chair one more year, and then go off to pursue different types of staffing for the con. Something much more fun to me, and something I can do more of from 400 miles away.

This year also had a slight change in plans in my personal life. Due to the restraints of the convention I was not able to host my dinner and ice cream night before memorial day weekend. Meaning I had to wait till well after the convention and the post-con meeting to get my Ghirardelli ice cream. Which in and of itself was fine, but this is around where the real trouble began. And also the reason for this blog.

After logging almost 2000 miles on the van this trip alone, I once more sat in the drivers seat to pick up Will and head down to Santa Cruz for the post-con retreat. A weekend long meeting in which we discuss what happened at the con that just passed, and work out a skeleton schedule and such for the next years convention. On my way to pick Will up from San Francisco, Antonio and I noticed the van was emitting white smoke from the hood. The gauges and the van were all fine, just smoke was coming out. I drove the van as to the closest gas station I could get to, and we found that the coolant was way down and seemed to have spilled. Assuming the white smoke was steam from the coolant evaporating, we refilled the coolant, and began to head away. Then I noticed that it was running much hotter than before. It spiked all the way to the top , and we pulled over. We filled the system with whatever water we had and evenually got it back to the gas station, which luckily was an auto center as well, and had the mechanic check it out.

We were told that for sure the radiator was blown and probably more. Will picked us up from the chevron, and we went to the flat to wait for more news. We were then told a chip that runs the fans for the radiator had died and thus the radiator overheated. It would cost around $1000 to fix, and would probably be done the next day. Leaving me with no other option, we left the van to be fixed, my credit card with Ashley so that she could pick it up when it was done, and headed down to Santa Cruz in the hybrid. The repairs were actually complete by the time I got to Santa Cruz, and Ashley picked it up with no problems and brought it down to me in Santa Cruz on saturday.

Saturday night we decide to go to the beach. We pile in the van, and the first thing I notice is that the "Service Engine Light Soon" light is on. WTF? It was just fixed. I figured they knocked something loose and didn't worry too much about it. I drive around looking for the beach and everything was fine, I then drive it back to Davis sunday and everything seemed to be ok. (I wanted to go back to the Chevron mechanic on the way, but they were closed). I drive it to and back from San Francisco on Monday for dinner with Rosina, and then back once more on Weds for my movie, dinner, and ice cream night. I headed down a little early to go to the gas station once more for them to turn off the light, and they tell me... "Its the same problem as before".

WHAT?!? I mean, COME ON!. What the hell is going on? As fas as I can tell the car was fine, and driving fine for the past few days. After talking with my dad, he convinces me to leave the car there and have Ashley pick me and Bethany up. The myriad of emotions running though me at this point is indescribable. But I will admit this, and it is rather difficult for me to do so.

I was scared

Yep, I was terrified. Not so much that I would end up being stranded in the middle of a city that so obviously hates me, but it was the complete lack of control I had over anything. All I wanted to do was curl into a little ball and cry, just to get the frustration out, but I didn't feel like I could. I wasn't in a place I was comfortable in. Though surrounded by people who loved me, and didn't blame me for anything, I couldn't help but feel like a bother to them. And there was nothing I could do to help. I was stranded, helpless, and vulnerable in a place that wasn't home. A place that was no where even close to home. And I couldn't bring myself to cry, simply because it wouldn't come.

Thursday came with no news about the car. Antonio picked me and Bethany up from SF, so that Bethany could be home to work on projects, and that I could feel safer in a place I once called home. Friday, and no concrete news, but finally tears. After calling my parents once more, and my dad telling me to make a decision as soon as I got more information in. My mother called, and the tears just started flowing. There was no really reason to cry, just to release everything that has been held inside me since the friday we headed down to Santa Cruz. I was able to get it out, and clear my head. I came to the decision that if the Chevron didn't find anything out by Saturday, I would have it towed to the dealer in Davis on Sunday. At least in Davis I would have more piece of mind since it would be much closer to me, and they had worked on the van before when I was in school here.

Saturday, I wake up, and after much debate on who to call first I call my dad. He has news, he had spoked with the Chevron and they finally figured out the problem, but they would need a part that would not come in till Tuesday. And they wanted to keep it overnight tuesday , which means I would get it back weds. Meaning a full week to get the car back. But at least I had news and a date to go home.

I feel much better now. Plans and decisions have been made, and now its just time to implement them. I'm sad that its taking me this long to get home, but I least I know now when I can get home.

and the original intention for this post... that comes next (or above)... since this is long enough already.

...I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.
From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.
I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar, Chapter 7