My True Strength

After taking all that time to describe the saga of my van, now for the true reason why I wanted to post again. This past month has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. From loneliness in my old home, to sheer joy of hanging out with friends. Pride in a convention well run, to anger at the selfishness of others.

But the lesson I truly learned this weekend is the value of true friendship.

I've always said it was the people in my life that made me who I truly am, and the ones I love the most. But for so long I've always seen myself as the rock, the pillar, the one that everyone counts on. I found it extremely difficult to show weakness in front of anyone, not even myself.

But in the past few weeks, I really got to see the people who understand me and really want to be there for me. I received some upsetting news during Fanime, and actually teared up on the convention floor. I tried to hide it, knowing that was not the time, nor the place to get upset, but a few tears slipped out anyway. The table around me fell silent, and of course, that made it all the worse to stop crying. And when friend came over to hug me and say it was ok, I had to hold my tongue from telling her to let go of me, because she was actually making it worse. The intention was good, but again, not the time or place. Once I calmed down, I was able to drown myself once more in the con, and everyone was good about not bringing it up.

Later I found out that one of the people there, whom I consider a friend, but not really a close one. More because I met him after I already moved down to LA, and he lives in Davis, rather than not being compatible. But I found out he was really frustrated by not being able to help me out at that moment. He was simply looking as it as "Ah! Sam's upset, I want to do something" but he understood that he shouldn't and couldn't do it. And I'm glad that he didn't, and am also very moved that he did feel that way.

With the problems with the car, I really finally allowed myself to be the one who needed to be saved. Nothing was my choice, but so many people around me were doing so much to help. Antonio came down to get up, Will and Ashley took care of me and Bethany while we were in SF. Henry offered to drive down with me when I got the van back, and Ed agreed to fly up and drive back down with me saying "whatever you need me to do, I'll do". The little things too, like James came over and hung out with me today since I'm super bored, and Bethany actually gave me the spare keys to her car in case I wanted to go somewhere and she was out with other people.

This is a time when I get to experience the other side of my friendships. Instead of me gaining joy from other people depending on me, I now find what its like to truly depend on other people. And though I still feel like a bit of a burden, because I am one, its not this horrible thing that I thought it was. I know that the people I'm depending on aren't mad at me, perhaps frustrated at the situation, but its not all me. And that they really just want to help me and make sure I'm ok.

so again, as I head to bed, I just want to say I love you all. And thanks truly for everything.