Perhaps thinking is bad...

I've been doing alot of it lately, and it hasn't been getting me anywhere. I tend to dwell on the things I cannot change. And look at others with a bit of envy with what they can do with their life.
I don't understand how it works. I do good things, or at least I try to, I try ot put the needs of others before myself. I weight each side of different situations and try to make the best decision possible. Yet why am I still stuck here? I see others who make stupid decisions and only focus on themselves go so much furhter than myself. Am I bitter? yeah, a little bit. Not at the particular people, but more like at fate.
Now I've heard it all. "You need to make your own steps" and "Don't think about what others have done" but allow me to wallow in my misery for a while please. This is the only place I am allowed to do so. This is the only place I feel like I am allowed to feel anything. You know when Kelly Clarkson songs speak about your life, its a little sad. "I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life/ my heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with"
Maybe my heart was never whole, but it certainly does a good job of breaking the pieces that are there. I've come to find comfort in the lies. Solace in the image that I have created and play out. The surface area friend, whose life you think is great simply because she never tells you anything about it.
I've tried, and was betrayed too many times. Perhaps I expect too much of people. But I only expect of people what I expect of myself. Maybe thats too tall an order.
Hell maybe I expect too much of me. I'm tired of all this. Tired of trying to swim upstream through a waterfall. I'm tired of fighting a war alone.

and I know why I am alone
because how can I expect anyone to love me
when I hate myself?